You grab his feet, I’ll grab his legs…
Forget the cockbuckery and formaties. Let’s get straight into it.
As you all most probably know, I’m fond of a gag now and then. And from time to time I’m partial to making a gag, when the moment presents itself. A lot of you are also privvy to the scuttlebutt that I rarely enunciate humor without making a complete “buttcap” (as keely called me) of myself.
There are a few things you can do, to salvage at least a smirk, or a deprecative comment towards you when a joke has gone – as they say in Saving Private Ryan – “South of Cheese”.
Some of my personal favourites.
1) The Train.
Look into the distance, then at the floor 10 ft infront of you and while moving your gaze closer towards you, making a chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga noise and loudly exclaim “Look out! Joke going nowhere, coming through!”
The Train is especially useful as a last resort ‘out’ if they’ve been buttered up with one, maybe two other alternatives. Be prepared to use this one a few times with the same person over the course of a week until it achieves the Woody Allen synrome (where something is funny, then it’s repeated too much and becomes unfunny, then the it’s repeated more and more until it magically becomes funny again, and will never stop being funny again)
2) The Depreciate
Where you repeat the gag, with a monotone and obvious sounding voice. You can do the Pauly Bleaker (Juno) routine and on the 2nd repetition, fade your voice out, and maybe cut off the last 3 syllables of the sentence.
This is a good warmup for The Train
3) Or like, Whateverrrr.
You can take a leaf out of every American skit/sitcom show out there and just say one of the following gems.
* Or like, whatever
* Orrrr, maybe not
* So yeah! ….
These are always done in an American accent, just incase the person was not familiar with comedy and they need to know, to get you out of a sticky situation, that they’re dealing with the horrible phenomenon named Comedy.
Why am I blathering about this shit?
Because sometimes…Sometimes you gotta admit that it’s all gone so south of cheese you’re fucked, and the only thing to do is just STFU (google it, mums) and move on. Unless you’re very good friends and you can apply the Tom Green Effect, which is namely grabbing the person, screaming the joke repeatedly and continue screaming it as you breathe inwards. This is also helped if you tilt your head backwards as far as you can while still looking at the person, and flaring the nostrils dramatically. The higher and more grotesque you can yell it, the better as the objective is to make your voicebox semi collapse and start to gag. This is one of my favourites but can’t be executed in many situations as you look like a fucking arsehole.
As I was saying, there are some gags, that hit the floor so bad, they meld with the floor and cannot be picked up. You need to be able to roll with these defeats and revel – like an emo revels in the pain he causes his useless self – in the pain you’ve experienced for cheap comedy. You’re a Martyr for gags. You’ll be cannonised for your selflessness.
Like at work the other night (aah-ha.. the point emerges). Joe and I were stacking shelves at our local Broome Coles and we were in an extra jovial mood and Joe made some gag about something being Rod’s fault. It wasn’t and we’re both friends with Rod, so my keen sense of sarcasm perked up and we briefly plotted our revenge on Rod.
I interjected with a line that’s been imprinted on my mind for a few nights which will follow.
“You grab his feet, I’ll grab his legs!!!”
Now I obviously wanted to say “You grab his feet, I’ll grab his arms” as one person grabbing someones feet, and the other grabbing his legs does nearly nothing at all at either subduing an alive person wanting to defend themselves, nor does it help move a dispatched body.
Quickly realising this, I grab a Depreciate “out” but I didn’t commit and I muttered “I meant grab his head– hands, and we’ll grab his leg… You grab his hands, I grab legs.”
At this point, Joe had gone quiet. His jovial mood all but crushed, and as I was pulling out a “Or like, whateverrr out” he was already about 10 paces away and all that’d been dragged out, by my efficient attention to leg relocating detail was the good mood in Isle 7.
This has been my introduction to “getting out of shit jokes” tutorial, which I will continue in depth at a later date.
I will leave you with a real gag. A gag that’s stood the test of time and has aged like fine, fine wine-i.
I leave you with a youtube conversation. To all the Mums reading this blog, I’ll explain what YouTube comments are like, normally.
<Video Displayed on Screen>
Description: This is my sister dying of cancer. RIP Shona. You will never be missed
Comment: fat bitch
Reply: OMG, SHE’S DYING MAN! YOU’RE SUCH A NASTY PERSON
Reply: ur just pissd coz ur fat 2.foad.
Get it? Cool.
Some guy called Flyboy posted a picture of a 50 Megaton Russian bomb called the Tsar Bomb. (The king of all bombs) and it was a fucking epic explosion. I think the biggest ever detonated by humans. I planted the bait and waited for the nibble. Note. I am JigmeSam.
GunSlinger1978
BOOOOOOOOM! Mutha Fucker. Imagine that fucker going off down the road.
Even worse if old Bin Laden got hold of one.
JigmeSam
I could totally take that. I reckon if I just flexed real hard and squinted, she’d be right. And wearing a bit of suncream. Seriously, I’d be fine.
flyboy
Ha! Its not the burning light, or the shockwave that kills, it is the instant rising of temperature to millions of degrees!!! A person standing 100Km (62 miles) away would have sustained 3rd degree burns (the worst)!!
JigmeSam
Duh, I said SUNCREAM! Don’t you read? Man, you’ve obviously never seen how tough I am. =)
flyboy
Suncream would do be useless in heat that intense. The explosion would maim you…no matter how ‘tough’ you think you are!
JigmeSam
Dude. If I flexed like a motherfucker, none of that heat could penetrate my skin! It’s like when you squeeze a sponge and put it underwater. You bring it out and it’s dry. Just like that. I’m a sponge for energy and I can totally out flex that frigging bomb.
flyboy
Yeah that is true..instead it would burn the skin clean off your body, then it would burn your insides to a crisp. It was hot enough to turn solid rock to ash. That was the largest man-made explosion in history: you would not have stood a chance.
JigmeSam
Flexing is the key. It’s like, when you drop a marble from a speeding train at 56.4 kph at a plastic dummy. What happens to the marble? EXACTLY LIKE THAT! The marble is flexed ‘like a motherfucker’ enabling it to kick ass. Just like I will be at ground zero, laughing, greased up with sunscream, FLEXING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER, brimming with win.
flyboy
Hmmmmm…The marble would be ash, the plastic dummy would be ash, the speeding train would be ash, you would be atomised. You could try…however you would be met with a very rude awakening.
mcbuffel
lmao seems u have a “bomb complex” dude
A veritable tinmine of gags.
Adios kids.
It’s taken you 27 years to source really good drugs.
I finally got to reading this one, and oh my. The Tom Green Effect. I think I’m familiar with this one. :|
*FLEX!*